“My destination is no longer a place, rather a new way of seeing.” ––Marcel Proust
Recently I completed a short introductory course on the practice of compassionate communications. The course was based on the principles of Non-Violent Communications as originally developed by Marshall Rosenberg, whose work I have touched on before in these dispatches. The course was both a brief refresher of past training in mediation and a road map as to how I can authentically move forward in relationships with those whose experiences are different from mine, and who consequently see the world differently.
The training has stuck with me as an effective way to resolve conflict. Empathy was a key component to bringing about a satisfactory resolution in mediation. Empathy was also key in the short course I just completed on compassionate communications.
A SERVING OF UNDERSTANDING
Historian and author of the recently released book On Freedom, Timothy Snyder speaks of how empathy is a prerequisite for becoming a free people. As Snyder notes, freedom is not so much the absence of any government interference, with people being free to do and say as they please, but freedom to thrive, that is, the opportunity to work together, to create community and a future that serves all. Indeed, freedom is only possible when it involves others, says Snyder.
As for his words about empathy, Snyder says we need others to become ourselves, to know ourselves. I know it is through my interactions with others that I best understand my own limitations.
A recent demonstration of such empathy and limits to my own understandings occurred unexpectedly during lunch with a nephew. As we ate, our conversation veered into the political. We are rooted in different experiences, and, not surprisingly, we come to our voting choices from different positions. What was lovely about all that we said to one another is the respect and honor we showed each other. And when we each explained why we think as we do, we could understand each other’s position. All this was possible because of empathy.
My conversation with my nephew allowed me to consider what my previously limited view could not see.
By seeing my limits, which include everything from my capabilities to my understandings, I can, as Snyder says, turn those “limits into tools.”1
FEW CERTITUDES
By listening to my nephew, I was able to turn the limits of my own understanding into tools for growth. Fr. Richard Rohr, founder of the Center for Action and Contemplation, whom I frequently quote, writes how many people are searching “in light of today’s information overload” for a “few clear certitudes.”2 I understand that need, but as empathy has shown me, things are not so black and white.
I think of times when I have been angry with someone. Invariably, it is because I feel they have wronged me or let me down in some way. And I confess, thinking of their side of the disagreement is not the first thing that comes to mind. But when I stop and allow myself to consider the situation from their point of view, that is, develop empathy for their position, I find my anger softening.
NOT ABOUT ME
Spirituality & Health, a Unity publication, runs a question-and-answer column by Rabbi Rami Shapiro in each issue. In the last issue, a reader, who identifies as an atheist, writes of feeling hypocritical for responding “you too” when a supermarket cashier says, “God bless you; have a nice day.”
The rabbi responds with two suggestions.
His first suggestion made me laugh out loud, pointing out as it does how ridiculous we can be in our self-righteousness. Shapiro offers that the reader can say: “Since all gods from Krishna to Christ and Allah to Adonai are figments of humankind’s primitive imagination and since life is random and outside my control, I cannot accept your meaningless ‘God bless you’ and find your demand that I have a nice day absurd and burdensome. So please keep your god and platitudes to yourself.”
His second suggestion is as kind as it is profound. He says that the reader can smile politely, honor the cashier’s effort to honor him as a shopper and say, “You too,” and then practice getting over himself.3
Empathy does that. And more.
MAKING GOLD
In building understanding, empathy can also create a transformation. Three Jungian psychologists, Deborah C. Stewart, Lisa Marchiano and Joseph R. Lee, spoke recently on the topic of alchemy in their podcast called This Jungian Life.4 Alchemy refers to the medieval search for a process that would turn a base metal, such as iron, into gold. Today alchemy, as first practiced, is dismissed as nonsense. But as the Jungians point out, the term has value if we understand alchemy as transformation within –– which is what I am discovering in my own life.
I am finding that empathy is one means of encouraging that transformation, of expanding my understandings, of genuinely seeing how another sees the world, of walking in another’s moccasins, to borrow a phrase from a native teaching.
With empathy I may just learn something that I previously did not know. And it may be just the elixir I need to transform my anger, my fears, my doubts and my concerns into gold.
FOR REFLECTION: When has the gift of empathy changed your way of seeing the world? What was your experience when someone showed you empathy? Are you readily able to see the world from the point of view of another? Have you seen how empathy can change a relationship?
1Timothy Synder. Speaking at Joseph-Beth Booksellers, Cincinnati, Ohio. October 17, 2024.
2Richard Rohr, Daily Meditations, October 20, 2024. https://cac.org/daily-meditations/learning-to-listen.
3Rami Shapiro, Spirituality & Health, November/December 2024, p. 10.
4https://thisjungianlife.com/jungian-alchemy-the-secret-of-inner-transformation.
Top image: Pixbay/yuyun fan
Midtext image: Unsplash/MasterTux
Side image: Pixabay/Avelino Calvar Martinez
